Episode 23: Are You Satisfied ?

At the face of all I need from a client is money. The cash lifts my spirits, but leaves me with some sort of emptiness when not coupled with a sense of satisfaction. The contentment I speak of is both sexual and psychological. I am used to living without the sexual pleasure. Sometimes despite giving my all sex feels like any usual physical exercise say walking. There is no thrill or a hint of pleasure. Initially the sex frustration used to disturb me. I remember in my earlier days on the street how I almost got depressed after sleeping with several men and not getting tickled the way I expected. With time I overcame the feeling. I realized in the process of making the psychological leap to prostitution, I had lost something, that which previously used to make me passionate and crazy about sex. Still this does not mean there are no moments when I enjoy sex. There are ecstatic and orgasmic instants. However I seem to have lost control of when and how I experience sexual bliss. My P seems to have charted its own course about this.

Then there is the issue of the psychological fulfillment after a session with a man .When I know I have given a man what he came to look for in me I get a big  moral and ego boost . A delight that makes me think I am still relevant on the streets. There are men, like I pointed out earlier, who come for the physical and others  the spiritual. And it is easy to know what a man is after. The duration between him picking me and getting to bed gives the clues; its in the talk, the driving and his eyes. The way he acts during the actual sex also hints at what he is seeking. Men who thrust as if they are trying to get something other than their semen out are not in for the physical pleasure alone.

The crucial point for me is after the sex. I see fulfillment, guilt, satisfaction, bliss, delight, disappointment, grief  among other things in the eyes of men. When a man requests to hug me after a session I feel good. When a man curses or says that was good I know he got what he wanted. A man who throws money at me rather than handing it over to me didn't get what he wanted. There are all these small clues. Sometimes I will be courteous enough to ask a man whether he is happy with the service or not. But such a question rarely generates a honest answer.

When I have not satisfied a man I feel like I am losing my shine, which actually I might be. I will carelessly spend most of the cash I get from such a man. I will try, more than necessary, to prove myself to my next client, sometimes making mistakes in the process and losing whatever others think is left of my dignity.