Episode 37: Unhappy? Maybe Yes

Someone dropped me an email saying I am an unhappy prostitute. That reading all I have on this blog she saw nothing that hints at joy. I don’t talk of laughter and the few times I talk of happiness its in passing as if it is something not important in my life. The lady implied my blog rather than building a brand is a 'sad commentary' of a cheerless, heartbreaking life.  Well, I was not aware that my writing gives the impression of a totally unhappy person. But then what is the true position? Am I unhappy?

A significant source of happiness in any career is in doing what one enjoys. I do enjoy what I do, but I have to admit not as immensely as I used to say a year ago. What has changed? As I implied in the introduction of my ebook, I may have reached some sort of plateau. A point where I feel there is not much more to conquer, and if there is I am yet to figure it out. This is the point where you changes careers, else your productivity starts diminishing until to a point where the company needs you no more. I don't operate in such a formal structure, but for sure my productivity is down, and my employer may soon not need me. The problem is this is a career which has swallowed me; I don’t feel like quitting until I am literally laid down. In light of this I will acknowledge I am not as happy as I used to be.

Although I still have lots of interesting and rather challenging mental games with men, I don't clap when I triumph, neither do I grieve unnecessarily when I fail. I mean I have lost most of the emotions which come with winning and losing. I need new worlds to conquer. Certainly I know  that there is so much depth and complexity in my kind of work; I couldn’t have overcome everything there is. I just need to redefine my goals and the joy of triumph and pain of loss will possibly come back to me. Still I wouldn’t say I am an unhappy girl, but rather happy in a very plain way, like Meg, that girl in Family Guy.

What about the other kind of happiness? The obvious haha type? Each day I am on the street a girl will crack a joke or give an anecdote that will make me laugh, sometimes till I shed tears. But there is a hollowness and predictability in such humor. My laughter at such times is almost the kind Langston Hughes said was laughing to keep from crying. And this has nothing to do with the crude nature of the humor, but something about is not genuinely ticklish. It’s the same for clients with rusty jokes. That said once in a while I get a man who tickles me and I experience a good honest laugh. Like a man I was with recently. When I was on my fours he said “Why are you moaning? You should bark"

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