Monday, April 18, 2011

Episode 23: Are You Satisfied ?

At the face of all I need from a client is money. The cash lifts my spirits, but leaves me with some sort of emptiness when not coupled with a sense of satisfaction. The contentment I speak of is both sexual and psychological. I am used to living without the sexual pleasure. Sometimes despite giving my all sex feels like any usual physical exercise say walking. There is no thrill or a hint of pleasure. Initially the sex frustration used to disturb me. I remember in my earlier days on the street how I almost got depressed after sleeping with several men and not getting tickled the way I expected. With time I overcame the feeling. I realized in the process of making the psychological leap to prostitution, I had lost something, that which previously used to make me passionate and crazy about sex. Still this does not mean there are no moments when I enjoy sex. There are ecstatic and orgasmic instants. However I seem to have lost control of when and how I experience sexual bliss. My P seems to have charted its own course about this.

Then there is the issue of the psychological fulfillment after a session with a man .When I know I have given a man what he came to look for in me I get a big  moral and ego boost . A delight that makes me think I am still relevant on the streets. There are men, like I pointed out earlier, who come for the physical and others  the spiritual. And it is easy to know what a man is after. The duration between him picking me and getting to bed gives the clues; its in the talk, the driving and his eyes. The way he acts during the actual sex also hints at what he is seeking. Men who thrust as if they are trying to get something other than their semen out are not in for the physical pleasure alone.

The crucial point for me is after the sex. I see fulfillment, guilt, satisfaction, bliss, delight, disappointment, grief  among other things in the eyes of men. When a man requests to hug me after a session I feel good. When a man curses or says that was good I know he got what he wanted. A man who throws money at me rather than handing it over to me didn't get what he wanted. There are all these small clues. Sometimes I will be courteous enough to ask a man whether he is happy with the service or not. But such a question rarely generates a honest answer.

When I have not satisfied a man I feel like I am losing my shine, which actually I might be. I will carelessly spend most of the cash I get from such a man. I will try, more than necessary, to prove myself to my next client, sometimes making mistakes in the process and losing whatever others think is left of my dignity.

Friday, April 8, 2011

This And That

Well it’s been ages since I said a thing or two about the comments here. I will do it today now that my computer is still being repaired & with it stories I had planned to post. So I will answer some few questions, say something about others and highlight some of those I found really interesting.

For how long does a prostitute remain fresh on the street? What's the optimal duration before she starts losing her appeal?  From my own experience I started feeling stale after a year. A spark was gone. Perhaps because within a year I felt the street had validated me. I had gotten the t-shirt. After a year I started getting occasional lapses in terms of make up, dressing and the morale to go to the streets. So what will happen to me if I stay on the streets for five years? In Episode 8: In Five Years Time an Anonymous crudely & perhaps rightfully so tried to capture how I would look after  five years on the street look:

...The thing about those prostitutes who have been on the streets for 5yrs is that it shows on their faces, kind of like the hard rough hands of a construction worker. They have experienced all kinds of shit, from the abuse of kanjo (City Council) who haul them onto the lorry for a free quickie to the mean bastard who picks them up and doesn’t pay me. Yes their pain is evident on their faces, their disgust, hate and rage. There isn’t any new line they can buy except to tell the men who pick them up...ripa mbere ya kura...March 4, 2011 3:47 AM
 I will not allow myself to get to that.

In Episode 11: Of coming Out Of The Closet I talked about the pressure to come out in the open and my reluctance to do so. Well nothing much has changed regarding this. But I have met quite a number of people through this blog. As much as people promise not to stare at me as if I'm from Hell, or create a fuss, somehow they end up doing it. One person kept looking at me from head to toe despite us being seated in a restaurant. Another  kept asking me if I was full, as if she thought I was starving. A man was excited, overwhelmed, shocked or intimidated and he could not construct a logical sentence. Then there was the lady who had promised to meet me alone but came with a whole bunch of friends who sat a table away and tried o photograph me secretly. It’s all hilarious, but nowadays more than ever I am hesitant to meet anyone. However I am coming out in the open in other ways. With a podcast I will make my voice known. I am betting no one can identify me from the way I speak.

That said in a comment on the same episode Gwen asked ..."Do you want to grow into the profession or something else entirely?...Do you ever get female clients?.."  To grow in the profession entirely I would need to re-launch myself every year. In the long run I will naturally fade so for now I am content in building a brand before I finalize my exit plan. As for female clients those are few and far. The mechanisms of girl on girl sex make picking a prostitute as a partner not the best of options. But yes there are still female clients, one of them notorious.

In the episode Wanja asked is Cheupe for real? Cheupe is the girl who came up with the idea of urinating in the city council vehicle. In my article in last month's UP magazine I told of how she sold me fake sedatives. You can read the story here. Of course it  has an editorial touch.

Episode 14 was titled; Why I Chose the Street. A quick clarification the episode was not about why I chose to become a prostitute but why I decided to go to Koinange Street instead of being in some bar or brothel. Having confessed to spending some time at Sabina Joy, the notorious downtown bar cum brothel some I lost the respect of some people.

Wonderman said:

 ...At first I’d entertained the thought of sleeping with a prostitute (you basically) but when I think clearly, I know as you mentioned earlier in your blog-you got no conscience, and then it would be meaningless. Now you mention you've been to SJ? Damn!! You’re cut from the same cloth as all you night girls..."

And if you wonder why Wonderman will not sleep with me, a girl who has been to the SJ some Anonymous provided an answer which is a stereotype of what people think of the Sabina Joy:

....Those whores at SJ have stinking pussies..I doubt if they ever shower. I once took one home and when she unleashed her torn panty the smell that came out made me a celibate for the next two months...YIEW!!!What happens to some women down there. I imagine I know enough chicas who do not smell at all....but some, they smell like a rotten mouse... February 4, 2011 8:56 AM

I admit the SJ is in a class of its own when it comes to the girls and patrons. It has, successfully, branded itself as the number one destination for cheap rough & sweaty sex. Sex characterised by ambitions of sensuality which are never actualized. But personal hygiene is a girl's own responsibility. True there are some, who are not the cleanest, but there are many who maintain a level of decency & they care about how they look and smell. And then men talk and girls listen. If you take time to sit and have a beer rather than rush for a short time, you will know who to pick or avoid.

But not everyone thinks girls who have been to the SJ are bad going with a question by an  Anonymous:

Will you marry me?  February 21, 2011 2:57 PM

 I will, if you won’t seek to tame me.

In Part 2 of Episode 14, where I mentioned about writing for UP magazine, an Anonymous asked:
.. Just out of curiosity if you are writing on magazine like UP, ain't you being paid enough to get of dangerous street well unless sex is your thing (addiction)
    February 7, 2011 3:34 PM

No, I am not addicted to sex. Indeed if a girl got to prostitution to satisfy a sex addiction she would be disappointed because there are many instances where the sex is not available, and less than satisfying when you get it.

Another Anonymous made a very critical observation...

....Its a mysterious world for some of us with boring routine lives and 8 to 5 desk jobs and weekends spent in front of the TV. Please try to be more vivid in you descriptions of your colleagues, encounters, the watchmen and bouncers etc. I’m curious to know the nature of these men. What state of mind is a man when he picks you up? Do you ever talk? You also haven’t answered yet why you chose the street. I’m also curious about your childhood and how you lost your virginity. What course did you do in college? Are your parents poor? Have you ever been in love? Do prostitutes get pregnant from their client or what do you do about birth control and how do you deal with STDs?

Quite some questions. I am a little hesitant in giving vivid descriptions of people or circumstances because if I did the posts would be too long and you won’t have the patience to read. I read blog posts should be short and not as long as this one. The day I make enough money to take a three months or so retreat from the city, learn a thing or two about writing, then I will do a book, and give much of the detail that I skim through. For now I have to keep doing quick posts. I have answered some of the queries in subsequent posts. As to whether my parents are poor, no they are not. And yes I have been in love. Also yes prostitutes do get pregnant from their clients.

Now some quick answers to a few questions which have flowed in through comments, Twitter, Facebook and Email.

Tamaku:  No ipod to listen to while client huffs away???!

And what will I would be listening to? Sexual Healing? But no music during sex, I need to show the man his huffs and heavy breathing are the best music I have ever listened to.

Anonymous: At what age did you lose your virginity?

16 years

Anonymous: Have you experienced any form of bestiality:

A: Yes of the handcuffs variety

Anonymous: Have you ever stolen from a client?


I will write more soon...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Episode 21: Role Playing

Most human beings have one form or another of eccentricities. However because we get to hear only of the oddities of the famous we think ourselves perfectly normal. Yet there are many things we do which may be considered as pecularities. But we don't think of them as such because to us they are normal. Its debatable whether the word normal loses meaning when defined by an individual as opposed to the larger society. I have never thought any of my actions as freaky until some few days ago when someone suggested some of the things I do are strange.

Like everyone in college I had dreams of a good job. I used to very specific which particular companies I  wanted to work for. The first was Zimele Asset Management where I was to be analyst. The second was Safaricom where I imagined working in product development. Then there was Y & R where I figured I could be a copywriter. And there was the World Bank, there I was not sure what I wanted to do. By the time I got to my fourth year I had stopped dreaming. My dreams hadn't been quashed but I had started developing some, let me call it open minded, philosophy. With the open minded thinking I felt, correctly or not, I had life by the balls.

A few weeks on the streets I started wondering, not in regret or remorse, what would have happened if I had ended up working in those companies. I became a little obsessed with the the thoughts. The result is that nowadays (& for the last two years), at least twice a month, I pretend or actually believe and as act as if I am not a prostitute. Such evenings I dress in what I think a female analyst at Zimele Asset Management dresses in. Then I go to the bars where I think she would have a drink. I sit there imagining  how my day in the office was, analyzing the money market and securities. When its Y & R I create and recreate advertisements in my head.

The days I pick to play these roles are random and on such  I don't step on the street. Rather after a few drinks I go home to 'prepare' for the next working day. Its a rather costly exercise for me. The drinks the successful young working women take are expensive. The bars they visit classy, serene and comfortable places.( My favorite being off Waiyaki Way). I am blind to these costs and willingly spend. When the urge to become a product developer at Safaricom comes and I have no money I get into a state of frustration, I lose my concentration and become a little edgy. I am not able to summon the energy to go to the street until the urge disappears.

I know the role playing may sound futile and outlandish, but in the short list of things that make my life full it ranks highly. The first person I told about it was my gynecologist during my regular monthly check up last week. I mentioned it as a by-the-way. I was surprised by how shocked she was. She even suggested I should be seen by a psychiatrist friend of hers. I laughed. I have no mental problems. I know what I am doing & at no one time have I ever imagined it as bizarre.

Yet beyond the feeling of satisfaction I have no logical explanation for my acting. But this could be one of the things that beats logic. I am okay with the way I live presently. I don't really aspire to live the lives I act. It's not a fantasy but simply I am happy to experience the career life in my own way.

That said there are some complications with my role playing. Normally when I go to the classy places I sit alone smoking, taking some white wine or better still shots of  Jack Daniels. Of course as a copy writer I am thinking of the customer's brief requiring an advertisement that resonates with men but doesn't feature gorgeous women. But generally I want to avoid conversation. I am confident and knowledgeable enough to hold small talk about any topic but what if someone asks where I work and I mention a company where he or she works?  That however is a small matter, an awkward moment which I can get away with using some charm. The bigger risk is that under the influence of strong drink one says things they should not. And the more I drink the more my prostitution instincts become sharpened as much as I may wish to tame them in such situations....(Will continue with this...)

( Well I know of late I don't post as often as I used to do. One or two things. My computer almost died last week & its being resuscitated.  I am not very okay working from a cyber cafe. If I am to believe the technician the computer should be working by end of the day. Also I have been recording a series of podcasts, slightly different from the content of the blog because when talking thoughts & memories flow in a special way...I will have the podcasts ready soon.. 

As for me getting an editor, being more vivid in terms of setting and character etc, perhaps later in a when I can invest more time and money in this or if I ever decide to do something more concrete, say write a book. At the moment I am okay with the way the brand is growing. Thanks for all the comments, criticism, feedback and yeah business leads. I appreciate them all. )