Monday, January 3, 2011

Episode 5: Let The Pee Flow

On the social scale prostitutes are ranked lowly; somewhere near the proverbial alley cat which can’t tell who fathered its kittens. But if prostitutes be the alley cats then the city council askari are the alley mice. We feel the askari are the scum of humanity representing the worst of mankind. It’s a feeling encouraged by the dismissive and you-are-not-human beings way the askari treat us. It is often, and appropriately so, a cat and mouse game between us and them. Unfortunately for now they have more ways of getting back at us than we have of them. But In spite of them having the handcuffs, whips, guns, cells and when necessary the law, once in a while we will have some clever way to hit them.

By default we are always on the lookout for the council askari and when we see them or hear rumors of their coming we disappear to the shadows or clubs, but as it maybe occasionally they get the better of us. Last night they arrested nine of us who they squeezed in the back of their van.

 Every one of us knows the drill; the city council arrests you and at the least you have to fork out 500 shilllings to be let free.  It’s lesser than the three thousand the judge will fine you if charged with prostitution. But the askari will start by asking for a thousand shillings and they expect you to beg them to reduce the amount to 500 shillings. We hate begging the askari, so meanwhile as we decide to eat the humble pie or not  they pack us in their old van and take us round and round the city arresting more girls.

Few girls carry such an amount in their pockets. This is purely for safety reasons; you never know who meet in the night and what they will do to you, so the lesser amount you carry the better. You can’t even trust your clients not to steal from you. If a girl makes money during the night she gives it to a watchman, the bouncers, street guys, anyone trustworthy to keep for her and collects when okay.  Yesterday the city council came a little early, at 10, when few of us had made any money. So we made the necessary calls and were waited for rescue. It’s very rare for a girl to fuck a council askari for freedom. A girl would rather spend the nights in the cell than have an askari inside her. However there will be an odd one who lays an askari but the result is contempt and ostrasization by the other girls until she is pushed out of the street.

Cheupe came up with the idea of urinating in the council vehicle.  We were parked next to the high court gate and all the askari were out receiving a bribe from a man who had come to the rescue one of the girls. Cheupe is an odd one. Though we are all loud, she is the loudest and seems to care the least. She even has a slogan;cheupe kuja nikupe. “You know what we are going to do" she said, her loud voice a little lowered " We are going to urinate in this van" . We laughed; we took it as a joke. . “Its no joke, we are going to do it, every one of us" she said. She then opened her legs and let out urine. Cheupe doesn’t wear pants, which I find to be less sexy than actually wearing one. Guess men want to fantasize, and when a man is passing and you r display your ass, well bet the fantasy is gone and he will offer you less. Anyway after Cheupe had done it, we all did. It was so much pleasure and we laughed as we did it. The two young girls we also forced to lower their pants and empty their bladders too.

The van was filled with the smell of urine; a mixture of beer, cheap spirits and bodily fluids. We clapped in joy. I was released around 4 am .My benefactor was some bouncer at city club. I paid half the amount in kind in the club's gents and the rest I will give him in cash. Cheupe was locked in.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. hehehe... If only Kenyans were open-minded to make a TV series out of this. This is hilarious!

  3. Stop press. Mid career crisis!
    I took the wrong career choice.
    Is it too late to become a club bouncer?

  4. lol!! movie mara that that!!!

  5. Hehehehehe My Ribs....... Madness

  6. I wonder if Sue really is who she says she is. but let's get over that now. on to the next one. I realize u have read extensively, nothing u could really do with your brains...

  7. Oh my. What a piece, what an episode, that bouncer needs an assistant. Lol

  8. I love your writing............its straight on point

  9. Sex worker from SydneyJanuary 29, 2011 at 8:29 AM

    Hilarious! What a great idea to pee in the sex workers we've got to embrace all the small things we can do to empower ourselves and to resist discrimination and injustice!

  10. nice piece, your writings keep on amazing me

  11. tushauriane_online@yahoo.comFebruary 6, 2011 at 10:24 AM

    Am a typical Nairobi guy stuck in a dead-end-job, watching as life grows ever more unequal.

    My question to Sue, will girls ever date a guy like me? I mean i got got great career prospects, but todate and for the last 5 yrs of working mine remian just that - prospects.

    Am also curious why there are night girls who are not night girls - i mean these are the kind you just buy them 3 GKs and they are urs for the n8 just as long as you give them fare in the morning and you promise to call them later

  12. every grp always has the crazy one. i guess thats cheupe in your grp. sue and gals sound like an interesting bunch. i would love to just sit across a table with you [sue], cheupe and the gals, share a meal and and laugh off life. as always i love your blog, and i love your writing. you are a genius in your own definition.

  13. serves them right...
    The kenya askaris are the worst known bloodsuckers&golddiggers...but kudos to the goodones.Just last week they roobed me off everything outside a gentleman's much for a night out!

  14. this is too funny, this scene shud be on TV,...c u in the next episode...

  15. Sue how about i help u write a story line get some promoters and sponsors make a series out of this? it'll beat th stupid mother-in law and th like out. i pity u guys with th how rot society is. after mud stretching th limit of human endurance for survival stupid idiotic askaris have th guts to take bribe from u nktest

  16. True, twats and Askaris are the scum of the city. Very silly, wape dururu wakufanyie muujiza.the idiots worship small money.
    Equally, twats n askari need to shave their pubic hair/ vuthi.
    Sue Intelligent? average intelligence may be.

  17. Ha, ha, ha, ha.........!!!!I should come do rounds with you one day. You are simply hilarious!!

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